Behind the Scenes

Here’s what happens when a journalist from Ireland wants to talk to me about my life outside the traditional boundaries of Christianity and asks some intensely personal questions. You can listen to the podcast here, which released yesterday.

Martin Purnell is the host of this series of podcasts for those who feel disconnected from church-as-we’ve-come-to-know-it. They may still attend but don’t feel as if they fit in anymore.  Martin and I discuss trauma, the Dones, the Shack implosion, and so much more.

Also, the Jake Colsen Book Club got together yesterday to discuss chapter nine of So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore. The chapter is called, A Box by Any Other Name and discusses what happens when we try to stuff the living, breathing bride of Christ into a box of human origins.  We also talk about the desperation of so many looking for the latest revival and how the freedom to think outside those boxes can be incredibly threatening to some people. You can watch it here if you’d like. 

My photography site reminded me that six years ago today, I was in Israel with this team, including my daughter and my niece, a host of good friends, and some brand new people to get to know. We had a fantastic time, first in Petra with a smaller group, then ten more days up the coast, into Galilee, and then finishing up in Jerusalem with others who joined us. I look at this wonderful group of people and am so grateful that God wanted us to spend a few days together six years ago and that those relationships have continued to bear fruit in the years that followed.

Ten days in a bus, sharing hotels and meals, and focusing on this incredible land where God revealed himself to the world, allows for rich fellowship and growth. The laughter and the tears, the discoveries people make, and even negotiating lost luggage and the occasional lost person become memories and friendships that last a lifetime.

Interestingly enough, Sara asked me a couple of days ago what it might be like to go to Israel now, no longer influenced by her trauma. Then two days later, out of the blue, a couple told me that if I ever planned another trip to Israel, they would like to go. So, I’m wondering if God might have us do it again.

Interested?

We usually go in late January/early February because the weather is not as hot, and the lines at the sites we visit are much less congested. If we decide to do this again, would you like to go with us? If so, email me, and I’ll keep a list of potentially interested people should that begin to come together. You won’t regret it, and you’ll never read Scripture again the same way when you’ve seen the geography where those things took place.

Also . . .

The next gathering of the Jake Colsen Book Club will be on Saturday, February 18, at 11:00 am. We will discuss Chapter 9 of So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore. We will explore Chapter 9: A Box by Any Other Name as we talk about humanity’s relentless attempts to put the living, breathing Church of Jesus Christ into a box we think we can manage for him. You can email me if you’d like a link to join us for the discussion. Anyone is welcome to join in; we only ask that you re-read that chapter, so it’s fresh in your mind. You can also listen live (or afterward) as we stream it on my Wayne Jacobsen Author Page on Facebook.

You can listen here to our conversation about Chapter 8 from this past weekend.

Manipulative people detest when they lose their power over someone else. Manipulation is a game constantly played in human relationships. We often get caught in it because we love the people playing, and we don’t want to risk losing their friendship if we don’t keep them happy. Such a life, however, will not lead you to joy but to greater confusion and pain.

It is never easy to bear the brunt of someone else’s brokenness. Their use of anger and false accusations to manipulate others creates an environment where tender, gracious relationships get lost. For many, it’s a religious game. Thinking they know God’s best for you, they will stop at nothing to get you to please them or judge your salvation when you don’t. If they don’t come to see that, they will constantly up the ante until playing their game eventually begins to eat at your soul. You can go along with it for a season, hoping it’s just a temporary blind spot for them, but when they start gossiping about you or gaslighting you, you have to step away. Seeking a relationship of mutual respect and tenderness becomes impossible. That’s when you got to let Jesus lead you out of the game, even if it risks a relationship you hold dear.

We talked about that last week in our Jake Colsen Book Club. Chapter 8 of So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore lets Jake see how human relationships get easily twisted. Here are some excerpts from that chapter:

Just remember Jesus is not worried about tomorrow because he has already worked that out. He’s inviting you to live with him in the joy of the moment, responding to what he puts right before you.

The approval you felt then came from the same source as the shame you feel now. That’s why it hurts so much when you hear their rumors or watch old friends reject you. Truth be told, some of those people still really care about you. They just don’t know how to show it now that you no longer play on their team. They’re not bad people, Jake, just brothers and sisters lost in something that is not as godly as they think it is.

Now you know what that’s like from the other side and one of the big things Jesus is doing in you now is to free you from the game, so that you can live deeply in him rather than worrying about what everyone else thinks about you. As long as you need other people to understand you and to approve of what you’re doing, you are owned by anyone willing to lie about you.

Since Sara and I have had to stay a bit closer to home as she recovers from rotator-cuff surgery, we’ve been using Zoom to continue engaging with others worldwide through the Jake book discussions and the Wrestling with Trauma conversations. We will hold another Wrestling with Trauma conversation on Sunday, February 5, at 11:00 am PST. You’ll have to do the math to determine what that might be in your time zone. If you’d like to join us this week, please email me for the Zoom link. We’ll be limiting it to the first twelve who request a link, but don’t worry; we will schedule more such times. These are not teaching sessions, nor will they build on each other. Each will be a conversation to serve those who join us and help encourage them to the Way Jesus wants to lead them through the pain of trauma into his increasing freedom. These conversations are not streamed live or recorded. They are for the personal benefit of those who can join us. You can even join in anonymously if you prefer.

And for those interested in the next Jake Colsen Book Club, we will hold the next discussion of  So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore on Saturday, February 4, at 1:30 pm. We will move on to Chapter 8: Unplayable Lies, where we’ll explore how God wants to lead us out of the hard places some of our choices have put us in and, while doing so, teach us how to trust him and his wisdom. You can email me if you’d like a link for that. Anyone can join in; we only ask that you re-read that chapter so it’s fresh in your mind. You can also listen live (or afterward) as we stream it on my Wayne Jacobsen Author Page on Facebook.

If you’d like to listen to the previous conversations, here are the links to these videos:

This blog is a copy of our Winter 2023 newsletter that we sent out earlier this morning. You can sign up here if you want to be on that list.

Winter 2023

This past year has been quite a roller coaster for Sara and me, and we are both so grateful for all the love, support, prayers, and words of insight that many of you have shared with us along this stretch of the journey. We have also been richly blessed that our story has encouraged others of you to take a deeper look into your own story or marriage and to lean into the greater grace that allows the life of God to shine even brighter. The community surrounding us has enriched our journey with wisdom and encouragement and has lightened our load, as I hope we have theirs.

That said, I also know that our story has been painful for some people to hear. It can be incredibly challenging for those suffering similar pain or darkness who have not yet found their way through it. One person told me they couldn’t finish Wayne’s Happiest Day Ever because my joy was just too overwhelming for them. I understand how someone who’s stuck could feel that way, and I’m always sorry to hear I’ve added to one’s pain. At the same time, however, I wanted people to know that moments of agony can also be followed by seasons of great joy. Sara and I want nothing more in this season than to encourage those who feel adrift in their journey. Father loves you, too, and has a way forward for you.

Ten days ago, we arrived home in Southern California after traveling 7,693 miles across 23 states, having had hundreds of deeply moving conversations with dear friends as well as making many more new ones. We are now living in an apartment contented with joy and gratitude for all that Father has done. Many are asking us what’s next; honestly, we have no idea.

As we look at the days ahead, all we see is a blank canvas. We’re not sure where we will live or what kind of life Father has for us beyond the continued healing of Sara’s traumatic past and our ever-deepening relationship. We are having fun, reveling in the Father’s work and the newfound freedom Sara is discovering daily. We will continue here as we did on the road—taking one day at a time and seeing what seems good to the Spirit and to us.

One thing that means is for us to be incredibly still in December. Over the next month, you’ll hear very little from me. We’re going to take some time to settle into apartment living, look for the next home we hope Father has for us, and to see where all that leads us. So, these will likely be the last public words I write in 2022. I will also not be recording any new podcasts beyond the one airing on December 2.

Good friends tell me that they don’t always keep up with my podcast, and I don’t blame them. There are almost 900 of them back there, and after listening for a  year or two, they mostly have the gist of the important things I share with the world. But the podcasts of the last two years have many notable exceptions. I have learned more in the past two years than I have discovered during any similar period. I had no idea how much I would need that wisdom to walk with God in the unforeseen situations I have faced. Even before we were confronted with Sara’s unresolved childhood trauma, God shaped so many things in my heart to help me walk through it with my eyes and heart firmly on him.

If you missed our story this year, you could catch up by listening to the seven consecutive podcasts we called Redeeming Love. If you’ve missed the best insights I’ve had over those two years, let me give you some other referrals of what Father was teaching me before the events even happened and what he showed me through them. I had no idea the last two years would be such a crash course in learning to follow Jesus, preparing me for those moments when I would have nothing or no one else to rely on.

In a profound invitation to prayer a couple of years ago, I felt like I was in Gethsemane with Jesus. Every time I prayed, I had a foreboding sense that something devastating was about to happen to me and that I would need to be in a place to respond to God’s heart in a specific moment over my inclinations. I thought that would have something to do with my message to the world, and I had no idea that it would be a challenge far greater and far closer to home. That “Gethsemane prayer” lasted for three months. It was a fantastic season of yielding to him, without which I would have been able to endure the strange and painful circumstances that unfolded in my life over the last two years.

During that time, I also learned to Gaze with God at the circumstances before me rather than only gazing at him as I offered him my prayer requests. Just recognizing that God has a different view of almost everything than I do, shaped my heart in beautiful ways. Now I sit with him, looking at whatever is before me and asking him how he sees it. Sometimes that takes a few minutes, but his perspective often unfolds over days and weeks. When his view settles in my heart, it gives me a different way to respond than I would have in the past. His ways almost always challenge me, and it takes a significant measure of trust to take the road he has for me.

After my Gethsemane season passed and while I waited to see what might come of it, Jesus taught me that the essence of living loved is to be secure in his love, at rest in his power, and enjoying his playfulness. We called it Love, Rest, and Play. Not only has this opened fresh doors in relating to him, but it has also begun to shape my relationships with others, most of all with Sara. Learning to love, being at rest with each other, and being playful is the essence of healthy relationships.

Now, Riding the Wind of his Spirit is less complicated and not as hard to discern. Sensing the movement of God in and around the relationships or challenges of circumstances lets me know my place in them—what I can fix and mostly what I can’t. God moves at a very different pace than I do, which is why I find myself often Running Ahead of Him instead of letting him move first when the time is ripe. When God asked me to slow down to Sara’s pace, I eventually realized that Father’s pace is slower yet. That’s not because he doesn’t care; it’s that he does real stuff, not cosmetic fix-ups. When I live slower, I recognize him more efficiently, and I’m not caught up in the frantic pace of 21st Century life.

It has also shaped my prayer life, showing me how to Hold Space in Prayer over time for a loved one or even for specific groups of people around the world, such as my friends in Kenya, traumatized people, or those in bondage to religious obligation. Instead of throwing a bunch of requests for God to do what I think best, I can sit with them in Father’s presence as his work unfolds. Prayer has become so much more meaningful and effective.

I now appreciate fully what Annie Dillard calls The Scandal of Particularity. God’s work is so intimate that he works quite differently with each of his children and with such particular interventions that there’s no way to mass produce it. Most things that matter cannot be codified into principles or steps others can follow. If we’re going to help people find Jesus’ salvation, we will want to offer them A Caring Heart and a Listening Ear. (That last podcast, with a friend from Oklahoma City, is probably the most powerful conversation I’ve ever had about real ministry and how his kingdom comes into the world.)  This season has also redefined my view of salvation and how we have so cheapened it by making it about heaven and hell instead of Jesus rescuing us from the brokenness of this Creation and the delusions of darkness.

So, here are some resources that might equip you during this month or as the new year begins. Much of this unfolds in the Transforming Love podcasts that will comprise the heart of the new book I’m working on: So, You Really Want to Follow Jesus? We will finish that series in a couple more podcasts early in 2023.

Sara and I want you to know the fullness of his freedom, not just in eternity, but more importantly in the present. That’s what his salvation was meant to do—bind up the brokenhearted and set the oppressed free. And as you learn to live in his love, it will serve you well also to discover how to gaze with God in prayer, how to recognize his nudges that will guide you through the trials and opportunities coming your way, and be equipped to bring his kingdom into the world with a caring heart and a listening ear.

And now, here are a few things that might be of interest:

• You might give it a listen if you haven’t heard the My Friend Luis limited series podcast. It’s a friend’s incredible story of redemption from an abusive, impoverished childhood in Mexico to finding freedom in Father’s love, then giving it away to kids in Southern California that are prime targets for gang activity. If you have listened to it before, keep Luis in mind if you have some year-end giving available. Luis and the kids could use any you have to send, and all gifts are tax-deductible in the U.S. 
• Yesterday, I announced some special prices for He Loves Me and Live Loved Free Full if you need those books or even some gift ideas for friends and family.
• We will return to the Jake Colsen Book Club with chapter seven from So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore early in 2023. Stay tuned for details after the first of the year.

So, as Sara and I begin this time of reflection and rest, discovering how God wants us to build a life of love in this next season, we pray that you have all the light and courage that you need to continue to follow him, too, and see what glory he has to unfold in your life with each passing day.

Tomorrow, I’ll post my last blog of the year. I’m excited to share that with you, but I woke up this morning with a desire to respond to many of the emails I get about helping people discover just how deeply loved they are by God.

My email box often vacillates between two kinds of emails. Many are grateful for my book, He Loves Me, and tell me how reading that book changed the trajectory of their entire spiritual journey. For the first time, they came to know how much God loved them and began to realize their freedom from the boredom and bondage of religious obligation.

I get many others that are quite the opposite, people pleading for help. “You talk about a love of God I don’t know. Can you help me find him?” Or, “I have never been able to feel the love of God.” It’s these emails I care about most. I realize some of them have read He Loves Me, but most have not. I realize books alone cannot convince you that God loves you. That’s his to do. But I also know that He Loves Me, and the free audio Transition, can help you create the mental environment to dislodge the paralysis of religious thinking enough so that you can recognize God as he is making himself known to you.

Every day, God is surrounding you with his love, knocking on your heart so that you can discover it. However, the way we’ve learned to navigate the world or try to perform to appease God draws our eyes away from his fingerprints and presence just to survive the challenges or distractions of daily life. For those of you who feel lost in discovering how loved you are, please give some time to these two resources. Better yet, find a couple of friends to read or listen with you, so that your conversations can encourage the truth of his love to fill your heart.

Many have also found Live Loved Free Full, a daily devotional I wrote a couple of years ago, to be just the daily encouragement they need to set their heart before God in a way that allows them to be re-centered in his love each day. This book contains a thought a day to invite you into the relational space where you can recognize God’s thoughts in you.

These are also great gifts to give to others if you still haven’t found all the Christmas gifts you need for friends and family.  And, to help, I’ve discounted them both. You can pick up Live Loved Free Full for $14.00, and He Loves Me for $10.00 until Christmas Eve. Better yet, get them both for $24.00.

Find the love he has for you. It will change everything!

And if you already have, share the love so people around you can find that freedom as well.

The next meeting of the Jake Colsen Book Club has been set. For those interested, we work through So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore chapter by chapter in a series of Zoom sessions where you can share your insights or ask questions.  You don’t have to have been to a previous one to join this one. 

This Saturday September 24, at 11 am PDT, we will gather with those who want to discuss Chapter 6: Loving Father or Fairy Godmother?  This strikes to the heart of so many people’s expectations of God, especially if they are wanting to explore the depths of his love for them.

Please read or re-read the chapter first if you want to join the conversation.

If you’d like to join me in the Zoom room for the discussion, email me at waynej@lifestream.org in the next few days, and I will send you the link to join us.  For those who just want to watch, I’ll be streaming it from my Wayne Jacobsen Author Page on Facebook.

You can also find the five previous conversations of the Book Club if you scroll down that Author Page.

John happens upon Jake while he is fishing on the shore of Nellie Lake, eight thousand feet up in the Sierra Mountains and a five-mile hike from the nearest road. Here’s a snippet of their conversation:

Here are two important items I want my friends to know:

First, the next gathering of the Jake Colsen Book Club will be next Saturday, August 20, at 1:00 pm PDT. I know that’s a bit early in Australia and a bit late for Europe, but I’ve got people from both asking to be included. So, we’re trying a different time. It will stream live on my Wayne Jacobsen Author page on Facebook, but if you want to be in the Zoom room and part of the discussion, email me so I can send you the link.  We’ll be looking at Chapter Five: Love with a Hook, how religious people often put demands and expectations on love, which make it something other than the love God has for us. How do we live authentic lives in a world that often punishes honesty and vulnerability?

Second, I want to invite you to a retreat in Westcliffe, Colorado the weekend of August 26-29, to spend the weekend with Sara and me as we begin this next phase of our lives. For those who have been listening to Redeeming Love at The God Journey, you know the incredible journey we’ve been on these past four months, with the enemy’s attempts to twist Sara’s trauma to destroy her, then, failing that, set out to destroy our marriage. The first five weeks were the most excruciating season of my life, but in the last eleven weeks, I’ve had a ringside seat to watch the most incredible miracle I’ve ever seen in Father resurrecting our love and resolving the trauma that has preyed on Sara since she was four years old.

I told you this would change the trajectory of my life, though I had no idea what that meant when I said it, and to be honest, I still don’t. But, Sara has wanted to go on an adventure, embrace her newfound innocence and explore God’s work in her in this phase of our life. So, we’ve sold our home, something we’ve talked about doing for a long time, even before this trauma hit. We will live out of the apartment Sara rented for the time being and explore the world with an RV we have purchased and our two big dogs—Zoey and Abby. We’re calling it our Return to Innocence Tour, and we’re going to kick it off with a gathering in Westcliffe, CO, where we have been offered a ranch in the Rockies as a place to invite our friends to come and be with us for the weekend.

The camp only holds about thirty, and it’s coming up very quickly, so you’ll need to sign up with me if you want to come. The cost is $100 per night per person, which includes meals. We’ll start on Friday night and stay over until Monday. You’re welcome to join us for all that or leave on Sunday if you need to. Anyone who feels so stirred is welcome to join us. We have no plans for the weekend other than to be with each other and before the Lord together to see how he might enlighten and encourage all of our journeys. It will be a place to be loved and be refreshed in this wondrous love, which he has invited us to share with him. (If you are flying, Colorado Springs is the closest airport, but you can use Denver (usually much cheaper) and have about a three-hour drive to the ranch.)

After the retreat, Sara and I are going “into the wind” for a season. We’re not setting up an itinerary but will allow the Spirit to blow us as we sense he desires. We are going to celebrate this phase of our journey with some sightseeing, meeting with people along the way who want to interact with us, and taking some time in some beautiful spaces to work on the book I’ve been writing. We’re not going to be in a hurry, and we’re not going to plan very far ahead. After Westcliffe, we will spend some time in Denver with our son, probably head to Wyoming to spend a few days with Kyle and Jess, and then turn east and see where the wind takes us. I have some folks in Michigan and Indiana I’d planned on visiting before the days of my unforeseen circumstances began, so we’re going to aim that way, but only God knows if we end up that far or even get to go beyond that.

Please let me know if you’re in those areas and want to connect with us should we pass through. We will update people with our progress as we go on my Wayne Jacobsen Author Facebook Page and this blog as well as the spontaneous opportunities that might await as we travel. And if we can’t make it to your place, maybe you can meet us somewhere where we are. Come sit with us under the awning of the RV and share God’s goodness.

Plans now include returning in November for some surgical procedures Sara and I need to attend to before striking out again as the Spirit might lead. We really have no plans other than those. We know God is inviting us to an uncertain journey, where we flow with his Spirit rather than fit him around our schedules. Even that was tested in the last few days. On the day our house was sold, another home appeared on the market, just what Sara and I had been looking for. We put in an offer, but when the owners countered back, we both had concluded that as wonderful as it was, the process of buying it now was a distraction from the freedom God wanted us to revel in. So, for the first time in 44 years, Sara and I will not own any real estate on the planet, and we’ll be free to go wherever Father might send us for as long as he might want us there. I’m still amazed at how easy it was to let that home go when we knew God was inviting us on an uncertain adventure and that we didn’t need to nail down a new home before we left.

Two days later, someone sent me a quote of mine from a few years back: “If you’re looking for certainty, you’re living in the wrong kingdom.”

It’s fun when your own words come back to encourage you. We are grateful that at this season of our lives, we can spend some quality time together and discover who God wants us to meet and encourage along the way.

Perhaps even you!