Wayne Jacobsen

Seven Markers That Will Help You When You’re Done

4 Comments / Phenomenon of the Dones /

A Thrival Guide for Those Who Find Themselves Outside of Conventional Congregations

According to the latest research people are leaving the local church congregation in droves. Many do so questioning whether God even exists, but many others continue to passionately follow Jesus convinced that the institution they belonged to was at odds with the spiritual passion growing in their heart. They may not have even understood why, but something inside continued to draw them toward a more authentic relationship with Jesus and a freer environment to share his life and love with others.

Many who have given up on the traditional congregation were once leaders, volunteers, and major contributors. They grew weary of the programs and expectations that neither encouraged their journey nor cultivated the kind of community they sought.  Leaving is never easy and most do it only when other options are exhausted.

Finding yourself outside the congregational model can be incredibly disorienting for a season.  Family and former friends question your faith or make you feel guilty with accusations of bitterness or selfishness.  All the markers you used to gauge your spiritual health no longer make sense. Some question their own sanity and even more so as they are increasingly isolated from the only friends they’ve ever had.

If you’ve left your congregation for similar reasons, what do you do now? As I’ve watched people go through this transition the ones who navigate it most freely begin to embrace a different set of realities, which not only allow them to survive outside a local congregation, but actually thrive in learning to follow him, in sharing fellowship with others, and in being part of God’s purpose in the world.

First, take your time. You’ve been invited on an amazing journey that will take years to sort out. Many people rush to join another congregation or start their own house group to fill the void but only end up recreating what they had left. Resist the urge to find another group right away or create one. This is a season to draw closer to God and let him fill the void. There will be time for more connections later when it’s not a response to a driven need, but a freedom to embrace the gift of community that God wants to give you.

Second, don’t force your journey on others.  You don’t have to tell people, “I’ve left the church” or judge as less spiritual those who still go. This isn’t about judging others or making outlandish conclusions about the future you can’t begin to sort out yet.  Simply follow Jesus however he leads you and be gently honest with those who ask you why you’re not doing the things you used to. Remember, you’re the one whose changed here, they are just doing the things you’ve always done, believing they are obligated to do so.  They will be threatened by the change you’re making, and you can help disarm that by letting them have their own journey. Don’t try to change them, or to fix them. You can’t until the Spirit awakens the same hunger in them that he has in you.

Third, lose your need to be validated by others. Religion works by establishing a set of expectations and rewarding those who conform and punishing those who do not. The greatest freedom in this journey is to let Jesus to break that cycle so that you can find your identity in his love for you. Trying to convince others how right you are will only harden them and destroy your friendship with them. Trying to justify yourself will not allow you to love others nor will it lead you to the freedom from the tyranny of other people’s opinions of you.  Be gracious to all and let his affirmation of your life and experience be all the validation you need.

Fourth, learn the beauty and rhythms of love.  Following ritual and rules that others demand of you is still following law, even if we call them “New Testament principles.” God doesn’t transform us through obligation or meeting the expectations of others. The reason why many of us grew frustrated in religious settings is because they made promises to us they couldn’t fulfill. The harder we tried the emptier we felt. God has been inviting you to live in a new creation where his love transforms us in the deepest part of our soul. Over this season you’ll learn to see through the manipulation of obligation, accountability, guilt, and fear and into a different rhythm that will allow you to live more at rest, aware of others, and free from the pressures of this age.  Instead of doing what others think you should do, you’ll be freer to discern his work in you and find yourself embracing the realities of grace, forgiveness, freedom, and generosity. It all begins as you ask him to show you how deeply loved by God you are, then let him show you. This is the trailhead that will lead you to greater freedom and fullness.

Fifth, watch your trust in him grow. Many are surprised to discover how much of their religious life was driven by fear—of God punishing them, of going astray, of what others will think, or of failure. As you are more in touch with his love and delight in you, even when you’re struggling or doubting, you’ll find that your trust in his goodness will begin to grow. You’ll realize he’s for you, not against you and that your own efforts were never going to produce his life in you. Now you’ll discover the joy of cooperating with his work in you and find yourself more relaxed, more aware of his nudges and insight, and less inclined toward destructive and hurtful actions. When Paul talked about the righteousness that comes from trust, this is what he was talking about. Where we trust him we won’t try to save ourselves or force our way. Now we can know what it is to be content in him whatever life brings to us because he is walking with us through it.

Sixth, cultivate friendships with others. God’s love working in you will free you to love each person God puts in front of you. Take an interest in them, whether they already know God or not, and watch as they begin to pen up with their concerns, struggles, and joys. Look for ways to encourage them as God gives you insight to do so. Get to know people you already know from work, school, or your neighborhood. Contact people in your address book and take them out to lunch. Where the relationship becomes relaxed, authentic and mutual, make time for those friendships to grow so his community can take shape around you.

Seventh, let God expand your view of his church. Most people think of the church as a specific group or meeting at a set time and place and if you’re not there you are not part of his church. They are made to feel guilty and isolated as others withdraw from them. It’s easy to feel as if you’re the only one weary of the religious institution. But you’re not. The latest research shows you are one in about 31 million adults in America who do not belong a local congregation but are still actively looking to follow Christ, which is about the same number of people who do belong. That means one in every seven adults are on a similar journey to yours and there are 7 million who are “almost dones” who still attend but are there in body only. Does that mean the church is failing?  Only if we look at our human attempts to manage it. What you’ll discover is that Jesus’ church was never meant to be an institution, but a growing family who are learning to walk with him and who are learning to share his life and love with others. Real community flows from friendships not meetings, which is why Jesus spent time with the people in his life in more informal settings. As we come to see his church as a reality outside of human control, then you can embrace her reality however she takes shape in the relationships and connections around you.

 

Learning to live in his freedom and joy is the fruit of a process that takes a significant period of time in our lives. Don’t rush the process.  Learn to embrace him and relax in the process and you will discover that “something more” that your heart has been seeking.  You’ll find yourself in meaningful conversations that will deepen your own faith and encourage others to find more reality in theirs.

It is my hope that those who are done with religious institutions, don’t go off and create their own, but learn to live differently in the world and then be able to see the church Jesus is building taking shape right around them.

__________________________
This is Part 7 in a series on The Phenomenon of the Dones by Wayne Jacobsen who is the author of Finding Church and host of a podcast at TheGodJourney.com

Previous Posts:

 

Seven Markers That Will Help You When You’re Done Read More »

What I Wish Every Father Knew about His Daughter

6 Comments / Marriage and Family /

It’s my daughter’s birthday today and I’ve been thinking of her all week and what it means to have a daughter who is turning thirty-(mumble-mumble).  What an absolute joy it has been to watch her continue to grow as a wife, mother, and friend to so many and how she gives of herself to help others.

I’ve never understood the dad who isn’t capable of loving his daughter and allows her to grow up in the world without the love she deserves.  Your daughter is worthy of love, just as she is.  Love isn’t something you earn and she needs it most when she feels like she deserves it least.  Treasure her and show her she can trust you so she can rest knowing someone will always be in her corner. 

She is living in a very broken world and you won’t be able to protect her from every pain and challenge that comes her way.  Be the voice that inspires her to courage in the face of trouble and resilience when recovering from it, realizing the future can always overcome her past.  She will make mistakes, same as you, and will need to understand that none of us have to be perfect so show her how to embrace the power of forgiveness, especially of yourselves and the joy of getting up again and pressing on for something better. 

She will want to know she isn’t alone in the universe, that Someone has her in his hands who loves her more than anyone else in this world possibly could, including me!  And he will help her navigate the twists and turns of life and find great joy in freeing her to be all that he created her to be.

Loving her and being there is enough. You don’t have to force your wisdom or ways on her.  Be ready to serve her when she desires it, help her where she wants it, but don’t try to control her life to make yourself happy. Never begrudge her the joy of growing up and finding her way in the world.  If she learns integrity, thoughtfulness and considerations of others, she will find a life worth living. 

A daughter deeply loved is a gift to the world.  She will recognize others around her did not grow up with the same love she did and through kindness and generosity she can share that love with others that they didn’t get from others.

No matter how old she gets, she’s will always be your little girl and when she walks into a room your heart will light up.  Her joy is your joy; her pain your pain. No one touches the same place in your heart as she does.

J, from the first time I held you to the last time I hugged you and every moment in between being your dad is one of the richest treasures of my life.  You are all these things and more, and I couldn’t be more proud of you and the life you live. 

Happy birthday, Sweetheart!  Every day celebrate the life God gave you.  You live it well! 


 

What I Wish Every Father Knew about His Daughter Read More »

Kenya Update: New Wells and Food for Widows

In the World /

It has been awhile since I’ve updated people on Kenya. While I don’t talk about it much, I have spent about a quarter of my time this year just working out what we can do in Pokot and what God wants us to do. I don’t want readers of the blog to feel badgered by their need, but it is something I have lived with every day this year. I don’t feel like I have a lot of wisdom here, and Lifestream certainly is not a missions organization, even though 85% of our budget last year went into Kenya. This is a labor of love, because God related us to some people in Kenya who stumbled upon some other people in greater need than they were and had hearts to love and care for them. We are just following the nudges God gives us and the wisdom he has provided through more experienced people to help the brothers and sisters in West Pokot, one of three impoverished counties in the north of Kenya and a prime target for terrorist groups fomenting unrest in the region. By God’s grace we’ve been able to help one of these counties whose nomadic economy melted down in a prolonged drought. We have brought food, water, medicine, education and the Gospel into this region through our friends from further south in Kenya who are sacrificing their own needs to help with those who have even less. (If you want to read the whole story, click here.)

In the last month we have drilled two new wells, bringing water as close as we can to each of the villages. We are not planning on drilling any more. But we have helped to train a team of four coaches who can help the villages work for their own solutions to these ongoing needs by using readily-available, local, low-tech resources to address the most significant need in their village. The hope is that in five years they can address those needs themselves by utilizing 50% of their won sweat equity and 50% outside resource. We’ve committed one million dollars to this effort over the next 7 years, when our involvement in Kenya will end.  So every thing we do has to be with an eye to sustainability after that time. We have already been given a gift of $500,000 toward this goal and are confident Father will provide the remaining through people who want to share with these people.  We are using that money to increase their health, education, and micro-financed loans to create enterprises that will generate jobs and resource for these communities.  

So we have drilled three new wells, have trained coaches and are providing for them while they work with the villages, and also provide food directly to widows and breast-feeding moms who have no resource at this point.  In the pictures below you can see some of this taking place.  This is a recent report from the front lines:  

We arrived well in Kitale and everything in the ground is well, starting from water, businesses, dispensary and the school. The villagers are happy to be involved in their development through the committees and our coaching team who were so committed to see that the lives of our Brothers and sisters are transformed from one form to another.

The villagers and the committees are happy to start the business, as well as getting water in the nearby place. On loans we have covered around 18 people who are now doing business of different type, that is one group and eight people. Regarding the food donation we purchase it and take it to the food committees to give it to the old aged and breastfeeding mom, everyone were having a smile to receive food, it is our prayers that by helping them with soft loans the issues of food donation will be reducing gradually with time till we will just remain with very week old aged people. So we shall make sure every months we do it, so that we can complete every at least to start something for the living.

The poor are being served, the widows and nursing moms can eat, and water is flowing in the region. I am grateful for all of these things, and that what is going on physically is also reflected in what is going on spiritually. Into these parched souls the gospel of grace is also nourishing their hearts. They have responded with open hearts to the gospel as it is being demonstrated and proclaimed among them. The bulk of this work has been done by the brothers and sisters I met in Kenya a few years ago. While this entire process has exhausted me at times, in others it causes my heart to explode with gratefulness to God that he positioned us to help people in great need. 

Obviously there are continuing needs here. If your heart is moved to help us, please see our Sharing With the World page at Lifestream. You can either donate with a credit card there, or you can mail a check to Lifestream Ministries • 1560-1 Newbury Rd #313 • Newbury Park, CA 91320. Or if you prefer, we can take your donation over the phone at (805) 498-7774.

 

A new well for people who have beenwalking 26 km one way to get water

 

Rigging up the delivery system for the new water

 

The children rejoice when the well struck water

 

Food is being distributed to the elderly and nursing moms who have no resource

 

Kenya Update: New Wells and Food for Widows Read More »

FINDING CHURCH release in German

Behind the Scenes /

Glory World Medien has just released Finding Church in German.  They have done many of my other books three and are calling this one, The Community of the New Creation. I’m surprised at the hunger in Germany for so many to think outside the box of religious obligation and discover that Jesus is building a church in the world that is rising with magnificent splendor. She sometimes overlap our human attempts to build “churches”, but she transcends it in so many ways as well.  Many are discovering that his church is more like wildflowers scattered on a hill side rather than the manicured hedges of a formal garden. I love the conversation this is stirring and the courage people take in re-examining what we’ve called the “church” to see if there aren’t better ways to express the life of his community.  

Thanks to the efforts of Glory World, the message is spreading in Germany.  I get many emails from there and am blessed by the friendships I’ve formed in my previous visits there. There are also translations in process for Finding Church into French and Dutch.  

 

FINDING CHURCH release in German Read More »

Last Trips of the Year

Behind the Scenes /

I’ve just finalized my travel schedule to year’s end, and if you want to join me somewhere along the way, you can contact the link below and come join us. I’ll begin in Chicago, make my way into southern Wisconsin, and then off to northeast Ohio.  I actually still have an evening free on Wednesday, November 18, which I will use for some rest, or to connect with those who might want to in either near Cleveland, OH, Columbus, OH, or Pittsburgh, PA. I  have feelers out for all of those right now.  The others you can connect to through my travel page. After Thanksgiving I’m making one more trip, this one by car to Orange County California to spend time with people there during the first week of December. 

The reason I travel these day is to have “conversations that matter with people who care.” I don’t do a lot of presentations or seminars unless someone insists on it. I travel to help people process their journey along the lines of those things I’ve written about or shared on The God Journey, to equip others to live loved and learn how to love others in a way that helps the church take shape, and to be a catalyst for bringing people together who are exploring a similr journey so they can meet others along the way. 

I haven’t scheduled any trips in 2016, though I’m seriously considering a trip to England early in the year. I’ve got a ton of interest from there. Other than that, I’m dangerously close to declaring invite bankruptcy. I have a huge list here of people that have invited me to various places around the world that I haven’t gotten to yet and I’m not even sure who is still interested in my coming, or has a vision for it. When I haven’t heard from these people in a while, I assume they are no longer interested. So, if it is on your heart to have me come, you might re-invite me. If I travel far, I look for other interest in the area to make good use of time and cost of travel. So if you’ve invited me, don’t assume it’s still on my radar screen. Please let me know where you’d like me to come, when you’d like me to come, and what’s on your heart about why I would come. Then we can pray together and see what Father makes clear. I really don’t try to control where I go, and I’m sorry if I haven’t been to your region recently.

And, please, only invite me if you know of someone willing to host a gathering. If you just want me to let you know when I’m coming to your area I lost track of that a long time ago. But I have an email list that tracks all that for me now. If you’d like to be notified when I’m coming to your area you can sign up for Wayne’s Travel Notifications.  

What does it take for me to show up somewhere? How much do I charge? What kind of meetings do you need to plan? I only travel when God clearly directs me to go somewhere and when I see a clear purpose in my coming and at least a handful of people who want to explore the journey. It helps if people on the other end have that as well. I do not charge anything, even for my own airfare.  I go where God sends me and trust that he will provide whatever I need. If the people inviting me can help with my expenses and my time, that’s always a blessing, but it is not necessary. God has so many ways to provide for whatever he wants. If you want me to cover a specific topic while I’m there, I’m happy to consider it. Mostly, though I find open conversations lead us wherever we need to go. I encourage people to open the meetings to others on my mailing list because there are always people nearby who are hoping to meet on others on this journey, but you don’t have ot. If you have a specific group that wants to explore some things more privately, I’m happy to pray about that. This is really about serving you and what you see God doing in your area, not trying to control the outcome myself.  

I’ve been traveling extensively for over 25 years now to help encourage the body of Christ and see what connections he wants to produce in the world. I’ve never had a bad experience and my life has been wonderfully enriched by seeing his hand and meeting his people all ove rthe world.  But honestly, I don’t do it because I love it.  I’d rather spend every night of my life home with Sara. But I know God has a purpose in these things and I’m happy to serve you and him when he makes that clear. 

 

 

Last Trips of the Year Read More »

You Can’t Put It Back In the Box

8 Comments / Church Life /

It was one of the most exruciating “worship services” I’ve ever endured. As part of the conference I attended last week we were subjected to an experience that was put together by a worship design studio, whatever the wacky thing that is. There was singing, talk of God, and even communion. It was supposed to show the conference new and innovative ways of “worship” and I’ll admit that everyone around me seemed to be enjouying it. At least they were participating, but so was I. Unfortunately it never allowed any of us sustained engaement with God. We were constantly being interrupted to do little worship activities that seemed more suited for a five-year old. No, it wasn’t childlike, it seemed childish, and incredibly tedious.  

How far out of the box have I wandered? 

They started the service with asking us to write a six-word definition of worship. I know they were meaning “worship” as a service, but I see “worship” as a lifestlye, so I wrote, “Our lives lived in loving engagement.”  It’s not what we say or sing to God it’s how we live in him and share his love with others around us.  At the end of our ninety minute experience, however, I crossed out my original definition, to write what I had just experienced:   “Groping for reality in contrived illusions.”

And I wrote it with sorrow.  There were hungry hearts all over the room, people really wanting to connect with God, and instead of being given that opportunity they were put through a host of excercies and instructions and told this was their connection to God. I thnk many of them believed it and I honestly wanted to cry. Has our engagement wiht God become so abstract that we need activities to keep us amused or an ever-shifting set of exepriences to keep us from getting board.  I find wherever God makes himself known and people are genuine and authentic, that is more than enough to keep people’s interest.  

Yes, there were moments I could lean into God and have some time with him, but it would soon be interrupted with our time to lament, or to focus on our brokenness.  It got so I hated to hear the voice in the microphone offering me yet another thing to do. 

When it was over I turned to the person next to me who used to be a worship leader before they became a “done.”  I showed them my new definition of worship and they laught heartily with a knowing nod. And then she leaned over to me and whispered, “Once you take things out of the box, it’s impossible to get them back in again.”

It was my turn to smile.  True as true can be!  

I remember groping from reality in so many contrived and artifical settings. Yes there were moments God made himself known, but many more that were repetitive,  boring, and seemed to require a high degree of pretense to make it work. It’s better to take the things out of the box and find out what is real that invites us inside his reality and which are human engineered exercises to make us only think it is happening.  

But beware. Once you take them out, you may not be able to get them back in.  But you won’t regret it!

You Can’t Put It Back In the Box Read More »

Wayne’s Story Unfiltered

6 Comments / Intimacy /

Here it is… My story as best I can tell it, at least from this stage of the journey. This summer I was approached by two men who wanted to interview me for a documentary they are working on about people who have left religious institutions. They were planning to come to California but when my travels toook me near them, they asked if I could come early for a video-taped interview.

A few weeks ago, I sat down with Jeff Herr of DefiningRoots.com for a no-holes-barred question answer session where he freely probed my thoughts and passions and how I moved from being a pastor to helping those who felt they no longer fit in the traditional congregation. Jeff had had read my books and listened to my podcast, but we had not met before this trip.  The result is an hour and 15 minute interview by a campfire in the growing dusk of late summer in Indiana.  Produced by Daniel Madison they are going to use clips for their documentary, but offered the entire interview to me to play for those who frequent Lifestream and TheGodJourney.com.

In this I answer such questions as:   

  • What began this journey for you?
  • Did you feel God spoke to you to become a pastor?  Do you now think you misunderstodd him?
  • What made you give up on an institutional approach to church life?
  • How did you feel trying to be a leader as a young man with so little life experience?
  • Why did you leave the first church you were a part of?
  • Was the institutional model ever alive?
  • What is your definition of the church?
  • Is your view of the church only viable for mature Christians?
  • What would you say to those who think that without the insittution believers will go off track?
  • How can you live church apart from a system and not end up alone?  What would you say to those who have a hard time finding fellowship outside a system?
  • Why do you think accountability is not the basis of chruch life?
  • How do you explain to your family that you don’t want “to go to church anymore?”
  • What does it mean to live loved?
  • What happeend that caused you to leave the church you hleped plant?
  • Was this part of your journey birthed in bitterness for what you experienced?

The interview is in two parts:

Learning to Live Loved: Part One

Learning to Live Loved: Part Two

Wayne’s Story Unfiltered Read More »

The Best Kind of Joy

2 Comments / Encouragement /

There is no such thing as the right place, the right job, the right calling or ministry. I can be happy or unhappy in all situations. I am sure of it, because I have been. I have felt distraught and joyful in situations of abundance as well as poverty, in situations of popularity and anonymity, in situations of success and failure. The difference was never based on the situation itself, but always on my state of mind and heart. When I knew I was walking with God, I always felt happy and at peace. When I was entangled in my own complaints and emotional needs, I always felt restless and divided.

Henri J. M. Nouwen in Seeking Peace

I really appreciate this quote from Henri Nouwen. Our culture seduces us to an unending and unfulfillable quest to make every circumstance just the way we want it, and to great frustration when we cannot do it. Life is unpredictable and circumstances can bring incredible challenges out of no where and then we feel so unloved by God. You will never get your circumstances exactly how you want them, but you can set your eyes on him no matter what you’re going through. Most of my infected with laughter moments have come in the midst of great challenge or risk. 

Being at rest in God’s love and in our place on the journey has nothing to do with our circumstances, only our engagement with him. Don’t seek the outcome you desire, but God’s unfolding grace regardless of circumstance and you won’t be disappointed.  

The Best Kind of Joy Read More »

Leaning Into the Light: Ellen’s Story

4 Comments / Growing in Trust /

This is a compelling story. I received it in an email last week as someone wanted me to know how much some of my things had touched them. But it is so much more than that. This is the honest struggle of someone who has grown up in a legalistic tradition, finding their way into what it means to live in his love. And it’s still in process even after six years. I love that. So many people want easy fixes and quick answers, but this journey really unfolds by simply following the nudges in her heart even if she didn’t understand them or they seemed scandalous, like buying a potentially heretical book from WalMart. It keeps unfolding by sorting through yet unanswered questions or not being sidetraced even by a cancer diagnosis.  

With her permission, I share it with you. I love hearing how people are finding their way into the light and into Father’s freedom.  I love her honesty, the reality of her struggle, and the freedom not to get to answers more quickly than Jesus gives them.  I hope it encourages you wherever you are on your journey.

It’s been 6 years since I first read So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore followed by He Loves Me! a year later, and The Shack a few years after that. Even before I read the first book, God had been stirring in my heart. In the year previous to reading So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore, I was startled to realize that I didn’t really know what Jesus taught. I had been a Christian since I was 11, but the church I was a part of spoke so little of the life Jesus lived and held out to us. I didn’t know the kind of life He wanted me to live. I didn’t know the truth He taught. I didn’t know him, period.

That realization began an in depth study of the Gospels, and what I read startled and scared me. My first reading and study of the Gospels showed me how far away I was, how far away the church group I was a part of was from the life He portrayed. Coming from a fear-based religion, that realization only terrified me as I keenly realized that I did not measure up! Everything was so far away and so twisted: pride, power-hungry leaders, top-heavy organization, fear, and rules. I dimly saw that my life needed a radical change, regardless of what happened around me, but I had no idea where to start. The journey to change started with a prayer: “God, I don’t know what You are calling me to, but something in my life and the religion around me is radically wrong. I don’t know what this will require of me, but I want to know You at any cost.” I prayed that prayer with fear and trembling because I knew that such a prayer, prayed with sincerity and faith, will be answered. And I knew enough of God’s ways and my humanness to know that the journey could be long and convoluted. But I was exhausted with the life I had known until then.

Soon after, I stopped by the bookshelves at my local Walmart, as I did occasionally, to peruse the Christian/religious titles on display. The book So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore was there. Out of curiosity, I picked it up. Two hours later, after having skimmed 3/4 of it while standing in the aisle leaning on my shopping cart, I put the book back on the shelf and walked away. The book was shocking, but mentally had me saying, “Yes! YES! These are the questions I’ve been asking and the things I’ve been struggling with!” However, according to the teaching I’d received in church, the book was practically heresy! Did I dare? Was it even Biblical? I did the rest of my shopping, returned to the shelf, put the book in my cart, and then put it back on the shelf, and left. For the next few weeks I chewed on the startling thoughts I had gleaned. Finally, one day I returned to that Walmart and picked up the book, determined to read it through and discover for myself whether this was truth or heresy. So I continued my study of the Gospels, simultaneously reading So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore. I read, and I underlined, and I highlighted, and I made notes and I compared the book with the truth before me in the Scriptures.

I remember the moment my life changed. One morning, while reading and praying over chapter 3, I read this sentence: “There’s not one thing you can do to make Him love you any more today; and there’s not one thing you can do to make him love you any less, either. He just loves you.” I sat there, absolutely stunned, as all the lightbulbs came on and flashed neon. He loves me! HE LOVES ME! He loves me like that. No wonder I was so frustrated! No wonder I lived in such fear! No wonder I was terrified at all the commands I thought I was missing! No wonder my struggle with addictions got nowhere! I was trying to earn His love when I already had it! Not a single thing I could do would change His love one iota!

That was when it all changed for me. Oh, it wasn’t instantaneous! Far from it! But it was the start of my journey into the Father’s love, an amazing journey that will never end until I reach glory. There’s been so much stumbling, and learning, and growing, and changing. Since then, the journey has been largely unexpected and startling and painful and glorious all at the same time.

I’m still a part of the “church” organization I was 6 years ago when it all began. I’ve been deeply saddened, often dissatisfied, often frustrated, but so far, I’m still here, largely because I have not felt that nudge from Father saying, “I have another place for you to be.” I often think to what you said in So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore. “If he were asking you to leave today, I think you’d know that. If he hasn’t made it clear to you, then wait.” So I’ve kept waiting, meanwhile seeking to live the life He wants me to live where I am.

However, the longer I am on this journey, the more my “yuck meter” goes off lately. How do I stay in a broken organization when it takes 4 days to recover from the dose of fear and and commandments preached every Sunday? How do I stay when all around I see Christians living in fear and my heart breaks? How do I stay when what I hear on a Sunday morning is so far away from the full life the Father gives us? How do I stay when the real connections occur over Chinese eaten at a local restaurant and not in the stilted atmosphere of the Sunday service? I attend Sunday services as little as possible, attending just enough to escape reprimand for my lack of attendance, but even the little I attend is difficult, and I draw a breath of relief when I’m home again. My inner life is so disconnected from the part of the body of Christ I’ve identified with that it’s harder and harder to stay. Living with a “yuck meter” that is way off the charts is an uncomfortable place to be. I’ve been asking Father about how he wants me to live in his family. The hard part is to not look for “the” answer but to follow his pull on my heart.

One of the “convoluted” ways that God has led me over the past 6 years has been my cancer diagnosis for the last 3 1/2 years. My cancer has relapsed multiple times. I’m doing chemo for the 3rd time, radiation and a stem cell transplant already behind me. Cancer, one of the diseases that strikes fear into most people, has been an amazing journey into the Father’s affection, an amazing gift, even on the hard days. My cancer has been a unique way for me to speak of the journey Father has led me on. I was startled to learn how few of the Christians around me live with the deep assurance I have of the Father’s love for me. I was startled how many are actually afraid to die because they were scared they didn’t measure up and therefore think they aren’t worthy of heaven. I was saddened that they didn’t see death as simply a “going Home” as I do because the blood of Jesus has brought us home to Father. I was surprised how many were amazed at my honesty about the struggle of living God’s full life in the hard things of cancer and pain and the unknowns, and then I realized how little the “church” organization speaks honestly about life and the daily learning and struggle and joy of it all. Instead, we all are to present these facades that we are “good Christians” and the deep pain and struggles and questions and fears never get spoken of. It does make me laugh a little because many of the views I hold about “church” are seen as nearly heretical if I speak about them, but those same people who think it is heresy envy the relationship with Father I live in every day.

Have I stumbled? Have I sometimes lost sight of the glory of it all when it all just gets too much? Has my faith sometimes limped? Have I cried? Have I honestly “had it out” with Father during the hard times? Have I been afraid? Am I still very broken and in need of so much more change and healing? Yes, to all of those. But that’s not what matters. What matters is that I am His child and nothing can change that. What matters is that He is never done with me and what lies before can only be better yet than anything He has led me to. What matters is that when I stumble, He is carrying me and I never lose His presence, even when I’m too human or too exhausted to feel it. What matters is that this life isn’t dependent on me and how well I do it, but on Him and His life in me. What matters is that, life or death, I am secure.

All this to simply say thank you! Thank you for allowing the Father to use you and your writing as a catalyst for change in my life. Thank you for providing some of the signposts along the way. Thank you for the honest conversations in the books and blogs I’ve read and the podcasts I’ve listened to.

May Father continue to lead you, Ellen, as you awaken into the reality of the new creation as it keeps stirring in you. And I pray that as well for everyone touched by these words and seeking to follow the nudgings of the Spirit as he works in you.

___________

 

If you’d like, you can reach Ellen here.

Leaning Into the Light: Ellen’s Story Read More »

MENU