Heretic of the Year

I know not everyone appreciates this kind of humor, but I enjoyed it. This was sent to me by a creative bloke, Joe in Montana—The Law-Man: The Monthly Newsletter of Those Protecting God’s Law.

Heretic of the Year: Wayne Jacobsen
By Horace Nitpickle, staff writer

Hailing from the liberal bastion of Southern California, Wayne Jacobsen at first glance seems every inch the affable fifty-something everyman-next-door. He casually talks of sports, weather or the stock market. And God. Especially God.

And there lies the problem, according to Pastor Joe Ironwill, Senior Pastor of Church of the Law, a God-fearing congregation of true believers dedicated to protecting God’s Holy Law
from the wolves among us. For Jacobsen, with all of his cheerful talk of the love of God, harbors a dark secret. Jacobsen doesn’t believe in God’s Law.

“This guy’s a real piece of work,†says Ironwill. “When it comes to subversive, he makes Ted Kennedy look like a John Bircher.†According to Ironwill, Jacobsen consistently rants against the very foundations of the faith. “The Tithe, the Five-Fold Ministry, Church
Attendance, you name it – he’s against them all. If he had his way, we’d all be running around unorganized and unproductive. There have been a lot guys out there yakking about ‘grace’ and ‘freedom,’ but this guy is even more whacko. He actually believes it.â€

What’s especially disturbing, says Ironwill, is that people are listening. Like many of Satan’s minions, this fallen-away ex- pastor has embraced the curse of our age – technology. “In the old days, a nutcase like this would have a few groupies in robes following him around, buying him a Mercedes now and then. Now we’ve got people all over the world listening to this garbage. We can all thank Al Gore and the Internet for that.â€

Asked why Jacobsen’s perspective seems to touch a cord in so many believers, Ironwill turns vehement. “This guy’s a genius – an evil genius, but a genius nonetheless. He goes after one of the largest segments of believers – the unsubmitted. These are the guys who are too lazy to volunteer for our programs, too cheap to tithe, too rebellious to follow God’s Anointed. They whine about wanting more of God, but won’t even spend a few hours in prayer each day. They’ll come home and watch the news and not even open their Bibles before supper. This Jacobsen character gives them an excuse to be unsubmitted – he tells them that it’s okay. He’s a real bottom-feeder.â€

Asked what can be done about people like Jacobsen, Ironwill replied… (continued on page 2)

Also In This Edition

With all the sin in the world, could a holy God really smile? Learn more about the myth of a “happy†God and why this dangerous teaching is spreading. Pg. 4

10% Tithe “Not Enough,†says Pastor. We’ve all done it – attended our Sunday morning worship, written our tithe check for ten percent (of our gross, we hope!), and then at brunch after church left a tip for…15%. “This just isn’t right,†fumes Pastor Joe Ironwill of the Church of the Law. “Are we going to give God only 10% while some teenage waitress at the Cracker Barrel gets 15%? What does that say about our commitment to God?†Touting the phenomena of “Tithe Inflation,†Pastor Ironwill believes that 15% should be the new minimum standard. “Serving God is not as cheap as it used to be,†says Ironwill. “Anyone involved in a Church building project knows that the costs involved for architects, insurance, triple-pane glass, Youth Pastor salaries, etc., add up real fast. God’s Kingdom is powerful, but it does not come cheap.â€
Continued on pg. 5

Yes, this is a spoof. No, there weren’t really any page 2, 4 or 5, so that’s all that was written. And I don’t know where they got some of that stuff. I do believe in the Ephesians 4 gifts to the body, but I see them applied very differently than the institutional way many people think of them. Humor makes some powerful points! Can you believe, ‘the myth of a happy God’? Unfortunately that’s how some people see it.

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14 Comments
  1. Fran February 21, 2007 at 11:59 am

    That is an absolutely amazing piece of humorous writing! It’s almost on the level of a Chick booklet (that dates me!).

  2. Jon February 21, 2007 at 12:02 pm

    Congrats Wayne on your latest acknowledgements. Are you sure there isn’t a second page it was just getting good….. Jon

  3. rob horton February 21, 2007 at 2:07 pm

    Kudos Wayne! I got nominated for the ” sniveling poltroon” of the year award by one of the God Journey Forum participants – I humbly admit I had to look that one up.

    Big Fat Hairy Blessings,
    Rob

  4. Fran February 21, 2007 at 2:59 pm

    That is an absolutely amazing piece of humorous writing! It’s almost on the level of a Chick booklet (that dates me!).

  5. Jon February 21, 2007 at 3:02 pm

    Congrats Wayne on your latest acknowledgements. Are you sure there isn’t a second page it was just getting good….. Jon

  6. rob horton February 21, 2007 at 5:07 pm

    Kudos Wayne! I got nominated for the ” sniveling poltroon” of the year award by one of the God Journey Forum participants – I humbly admit I had to look that one up.

    Big Fat Hairy Blessings,
    Rob

  7. Tyler Dawn February 22, 2007 at 6:00 am

    I am so totally bummed that there is no page 2, 3, or 4. Joe from Montana, have some mercy buddy!

    Rob, don’t forget that you are also a feminist atheist…. or is that an atheistic feminist?

    What is a poltroon anyway? I hope it isn’t anything like a spitoon! Ick. If it is then keep your distance.

    Oh, I looked it up, a “spiritless coward.” Okay, you can be my friend, I just about hurl around spitoons.

  8. Heidi February 22, 2007 at 7:50 am

    That is hilarious. I especially loved what they said about the tithe (given that it’s been an area of study for me recently.) It’s good to be able to laugh about such things.

    Heidi

  9. Tyler Dawn February 22, 2007 at 9:00 am

    I am so totally bummed that there is no page 2, 3, or 4. Joe from Montana, have some mercy buddy!

    Rob, don’t forget that you are also a feminist atheist…. or is that an atheistic feminist?

    What is a poltroon anyway? I hope it isn’t anything like a spitoon! Ick. If it is then keep your distance.

    Oh, I looked it up, a “spiritless coward.” Okay, you can be my friend, I just about hurl around spitoons.

  10. Heidi February 22, 2007 at 10:50 am

    That is hilarious. I especially loved what they said about the tithe (given that it’s been an area of study for me recently.) It’s good to be able to laugh about such things.

    Heidi

  11. Dan February 25, 2007 at 2:20 pm

    That is a hoot! Very well done and excellent humor. Pastor Ironwill comments about tithe should have been followed with, “Do you want a gross blessing or a net blessing?” Thanks Joe, I love satire.

  12. Dan February 25, 2007 at 5:20 pm

    That is a hoot! Very well done and excellent humor. Pastor Ironwill comments about tithe should have been followed with, “Do you want a gross blessing or a net blessing?” Thanks Joe, I love satire.

  13. JCL December 22, 2008 at 10:02 am

    Funny! As if God’s law needs protecting… ‘don’t worry God, we gotcha covered down here… you can go on vacation’.

  14. JCL December 22, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    Funny! As if God’s law needs protecting… ‘don’t worry God, we gotcha covered down here… you can go on vacation’.

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