As I’ve thought about my previous post over the last couple of days, I have come to conclude that the opposite problem also exists, perhaps more frequently than the first.

This is the child who grows up genuinely loved by her father. He takes great delight in her and treats her with great affection. But as she grows she begins to ask things of him that he knows will only hurt her. When he expresses his concerns and his regret over not being able to give in to her, she grows increasingly frustrated. Soon she is even questioning whether he even loves her anymore, or ever did.

As that plays on her mind she begins to see his every act of affection through her jaded eyes and concludes he only acts like he loves her to get what he wants. Now his acts of affection are dismissed as tools of manipulation. Her disappointment grows and eventually gives way to anger. Now she no longer asks, she demands. And when she doesn’t get her way, she pouts.

What she wants has now become more important than the relationship and she begins to unravel it by blaming him for the problem. She’s fine. In her mind, her desires have become “needs” and his refusal to help her only proves what an uncaring person he has become. She ends up saying horrendous things to him and about him to her friends, all to justify her own bitterness and anger.

The father knows better. Her words sting, but he knows they aren’t true. Even in the face of her anger and manipulation he responds with sorrow not anger. He knows she is sliding into the dark space of her own selfishness where lies will rule the day and he is now powerless against her false accusations. No mater what he does, she will only belittle him and dismiss his attempts to affirm is love to her. There is no greater bondage than believing your own lies to be the truth. Even Jesus warned us that when our “light” is really darkness, there is no greater darkness!

Eventually another comes along who promises to meet all her “needs”, and do for her what her father has refused to do. Of course he only does it to get what he wants from her, but she thinks she has found true love. At the beginning she gets what she wants and turns her back on the dad who loves her to follow the boyfriend who only wants to use her.

Of course, over time his motives become evident as he becomes more demanding of her. He pampers her less and abuses her more. He was just exploiting her needs to fulfill his wants and as that reality sinks in she slides into despair. The freedom she thought he offered, only turns out to be a prison of her own making.

What can she do now? She’s too scared to leave him and in her mind has no where else to go. She knows now that she’s made the poorest of choices, but has she burned so many bridges that she has no choice now but to keep on her course no matter how painful? In her honest moments, however, her heart longs for home. She’s too embarrassed and scared to face the father she rejected so brutally.

She’s sure her father hates her now, but she doesn’t know she’s only projecting her emotion on him. This is actually the moment, if she takes the risk, that she can discover how amazing true love really is,

What she doesn’t know yet is that her father still longingly looks out of his window every day hoping against hope that this will be the day she comes home. His heart was broken by her choices, but they made him neither angry with her nor ashamed of her. He only wants her to come home. The moment he sees her coming down the road, he’ll burst through the front door with great joy and rush to her side, welcoming her back inside the affection he had only grown in her absence.

Here’s the truth: You can always go back to the place where you were truly loved and find yourself smack dab in the middle of the affection you may have spurned before. True love always prevails over failure.

I read Psalm 78 this morning, and that is its theme. Regardless of how faithless Israel was, God was ready to draw them into his love whenever they made the slightest turn toward him—and even at times when they didn’t!

I heard an incredible story today and I think it is as true for many of us as it is for the person who sent it to me in an email. I quote:

I feel like I’m meeting my Dad for the first time!

My wife’s best friend is a real-life Jerry Springer show. She hadn’t been talking to her dad for a few years, bad situation. He’s a pretty terrible guy. Anyway, she found out a month ago that he isn’t her actual dad, and that her real dad has been trying to find her for 22 years, ever since the one-night stand that produced her. He has prayed for her non-stop since coming to know Jesus along the way.

Once he found her, he and his family immediately came to from a long distance to meet his daughter. She has a new dad! Just like that, everything she thought to be true about her father was completely WRONG and she had a dad! And her newborn, their first, now has a grandfather! Beautiful.

What a story, and I love his take-away from it!. Many of us have been taught that the God of the Bible is a mean, demanding, angry taskmaster and that if we don’t please him horrible things will happen to us. Try as we might to please him, we were never good enough and we end up feeling rejected and all alone. But that isn’t your Father. That’s someone masquerading as him to abuse your love, devour your joy, and destroy your life.

The Father who is really your Father has been searching for you all your life long. He has been closer than your breath, only you may have missed him with all the pretenders. Stop long enough to behold the Father who has always had great affection for you. That’s beautiful too!

As I start my vacation, I’ll leave you with this:

“Nothing is so strong as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength.”

Ralph W. Sockman

I saw that go by by eyes a few days ago and was really touched by it. Ralph W. Sockman was a Methodist minister in New York City and had an NBC radio program. He died in 1970.

Blessings all! Live gently in the world! There’s enough pain as it is without our adding to it.

First, an announcement: Our offices will be closed August 5-16 as Sara and I will be on vacation and have no one to cover the office. We will not be able to fill orders during this time, so please order before that date if you need any of our things before we return. Or, you’ll have to wait until after, with our apologies for any inconvenience that causes. Now to some good stuff:

John Lynch is one of the author’s of Bo’s Cafe, one of the best books I’ve read about sorting through brokenness in a marriage through a real engagement with grace. Last Friday as he was going out the door to do a wedding, he posted this on his Facebook status, even though it was up only briefly.

“I perform another wedding tonight. I always wish I could show a DVD of what is coming up. How they’ll deeply hurt each other, selfishly try to win, blaming the other for how their life is not working, how they’ll want to run… until devastated, they each call out to God and learn to trust this new life He’s given them. Then they’ll begin to protect, love and enjoy each other. He adores them. He’ll make it happen.”

I think I understood why he pulled it off. That’s not the kind of picture you want for a wedding night, but it is nonetheless true! Sara and I feel something similar every time we see a young young couple installed as the new associate/youth/singles pastor on staff at a large church. They are so excited to be offered the opportunity; they have no idea how brutally they will get hurt in that process.

But the greatest hurts of all are marriage hurts, I’m sure, and finding a way for both to put the other first is a process often laced with pain. Perhaps marriage is the first relationship where our selfishness really comes into play because you can’t hide yourself 24 hours a day. It’s probably a good thing none of us knew how much pain would be involved or else we probably wouldn’t go down that track and learn what we needed to know to find real freedom. Only when we finally come to the end of our ways and realize that even if we can manipulate people into giving us what we want or think we deserve, it will still not bring happiness.

But there is hope. Did you see it at the end of John’s lament? Through all the selfishness, pain, lies, and manipulation God can still win us into the space where true love flourishes and true life begins. If you’re in the middle of the pain, call out to him. Embrace his love for you and ask him to teach you not how to get others to love you, but how you can truly love others. It’s too bad most people only hear it when they are finally broken and desperate, but even there is a great place to start.

I told this story on last week’s podcast, and a friend of mine typed it up for his Facebook page. I reprint it here (with some gentle edits), because the story is growing in our family to understand something about God’s nature and our own. When we try to defend what God isn’t defending, we only end up hurting people and spoil the very thing God is using to engage them in a relationship that will in time transform them naturally, without having to enforce a lot of rules.

The grandkids were over. We were in Sara’s garden. And Sara had gotten Amy a rake and she was raking up some of the wood chips that Sara has on the pathways in the garden. I said to her, “No, Honey, don’t do that.” And I began raking them back in the path. “They are not supposed to be in piles; they are supposed to be spread out.”

Amy gave me the look, as if to say, “Gee, that’s no fun, Grandpa.” I obviously ruined her fun by telling her the way things were supposed to be. I didn’t want to be that guy!

Later, after everyone was gone, Sara said to me, “You and Julie are funny in my garden.”

“What do you mean?” I asked

“You are always fussing about the kids. Don’t rake that, don’t pick that flower, or walk over there. I don’t really care. I want my grandchildren to really enjoy my garden and I want them to really enjoy being with me. I don’t care what they do in my garden as long as they are not going to hurt themselves or each other, or destroy something. I don’t care if they pick flowers, I don’t care if they rake the wood chips into piles. I can un-rake them easy enough.”

As I listened to her I thought, I don’t care if they are raked into piles either. I was just trying to protect Sara’s garden. I know she works hard to keep it looking nice. But why was I trying to defend something Sara wasn’t defending herself? For her it was about the joy of relationship. She wanted them to have fun in her garden so they would have fun with her.

When I heard her say that I immediately thought of how I often I’ve done that to other people in God’s garden. He’s inviting them into a relationship while I’m trying to make sure they don’t mess anything up. What if God doesn’t care what they mess up while they are growing in relationship with him?

The God Journey Podcast, July 30, 2010

What a lesson! When you put the relationship first, keeping things neat and tidy no longer makes sense. Those things can be fixed easily enough. What God cares about is enjoying his kids long enough until they care about the things he cares about. In the meantime, that might mean some piles get raked up in places he doesn’t need them raked up.

But he can put them back easily enough when we’re done.

And now you know why Jenny’s book, Rainbows In My Eyes has been such an encouragement for me at this stage of the journey. Her pain is far different from mine, and in many ways far more brutal, but her poems (and I’m not a poem guy!) have encouraged me to lean in more deeply into the heart of Jesus and know that he is at work in ways I can’t see.

If you missed my blog on that and some samples from her book, you can read it here. The line between tragedy and triumph is not a wide one in the heart of God. I love how he continues to work in our lives no matter what this world throws at us. And Sara and I have found this book makes a great gift to someone going through difficult moments. We gave a copy the other night to some dear friends who are going through a painful season, and have heard back from many of you how much you have been inspired by her words.

If you want to order the book you can do so at Lifestream if you have a U.S. or Canadian address, or if you’re from elsewhere in the world you can order direct from Jenny’s website: JKRowbory.co.uk.

I’m getting an increasing number of emails asking whether or not Brad and I are engaged in a lawsuit with Paul Young over the collaboration we experienced in putting THE SHACK together and making it available to the world. Regretfully, we are though not by our choice. The great sadness I’ve been sucked into through this is the unfortunate and unexpected result of simply helping a friend. For those who love the message of this book I’m sure this comes as a huge disappointment, as it has with us.

I have been in this process for some time, and I’ve had some dear friends and older brothers and sisters who have been carrying this with Sara and me in prayer and counsel. I haven’t known how to talk about it publicly and won’t in great detail because it involves people I love in a process that makes no room for love or grace. But as much as we celebrated the joy of our friendship and what it produced, it is fair for people to know there is another side to the story and remind ourselves that not all things bright and beautiful endure in a broken world.

Our current conflict with Paul is a tragic chapter in the collaboration that produced such a wonderful book about God’s love, forgiveness, and passion for relationship. I’ve always seen that story as a gift God gave and bigger than any of us who were part of it. Paul, Brad and I began this journey as well-intentioned individuals working on a story together at Paul’s insistence. Our time of collaboration in writing, publishing and distributing this book over three years was one of the most joy-filled and spiritually enriching seasons of my life. Unfortunately, a collaboration works only as long as each one in it puts the relationship first.

About eighteen months ago, for reasons that are still unclear to me, Paul cut off all personal communication with Brad and I and stopped participating in our collaboration. Over the next year his new management team began to make an increasing set of demands and accusations. We have made numerous attempts to discuss this with Paul and failing that have offered to have others mediate this conflict (both mutual friends and professional mediators), to address any way he didn’t feel fairly treated, and to deal with whatever personal issues compromised our friendship. Every attempt has been refused without comment.

Nine months ago we were served with a lawsuit. The decision to resolve our differences legally is Paul’s alone and I have been forced into an environment that violates everything I love about relationships and all that Scripture asks believers to do to deal with our differences. I did everything I knew to do to avoid litigation, but in the end I have to respond to Paul’s charges in that venue to protect the commitments we have with others, based on his assurances to us.

Nothing in my lifetime has brought greater confusion or grief to myself and my family and I continue to pray and hope for the opportunity to resolve this in the same spirit of friendship and brotherhood that began this journey. We are encouraging fellow believers to take the Lord’s side in this conflict. He is not for us or against our brother Paul, He is for a resolution steeped in the very things we wrote about together—love, grace, truth, forgiveness, and laying down our lives for each other. I’m sure Jesus yearns for a full reconciliation, but lacking that, would at least appreciate a gracious resolution and peaceful parting.

Someone sent me this quote this morning. I don’t know the man who said it, but I pray his words come to pass for all of us:

“Every friendship travels at sometime through the black valley of despair. This tests every aspect of your affection. You lose the attraction and the magic. Your sense of each other darkens and your presence is sore. If you can come through this time, it can purify with your love, and falsity and need will fall away. It will bring you onto new ground where affection can grow again.” — John O’Donohue

Our current circumstance is the middle of a painful chapter and not the end of God’s story of love and redemption.

As many of you know I’m not a card-carrying, banner-waver for the house church movement. There are lots of reasons for that. It’s not that I don’t love relational expressions of church life, especially those that are house-sized. I love that. But I think something more foundational has to shape our hearts before any expression of the church will be life-giving with others. Until people come together to share a real, relational love of the Father we’re just going to end up holding religious services in a different venue. Thus I’m incredibly passionate about helping people live loved as the incubator for real church life to take hold.

But I have been invited this year to speak at the House Church Conference that meets during Labor Day weekend each year in Dallas, TX. While I do very little conference speaking, what intrigued me about this opportunity was the fact that they knew I was not a house church advocate and yet still wanted to dialog about the deeper issues of how the church takes expression in our lives. I am looking forward to that conversation. If you’d like to join me in Dallas that weekend, here are the details:

You can get more details about the conference and register here. The theme about infrastructure they added after inviting me to come, so it will be interesting to see how we navigate that together. Again infrastructure isn’t one of my passions, but helping people see how they can help or hinder God’s work will lead to some interesting conversations as each of us get to sort out what God is saying to his church today. I’m as much interested in listening to others as I am sharing the things God has put on my heart. I think the open and honest exchange of ideas is the kind of dialog that will help us understand more clearly what God is saying to his church.

I am looking forward to this time of sharing God’s life together with other brothers and sisters who are actively thinking and praying beyond the box.

Sara and I are reading together the book I recommended last month, As Is: Unearthing Common Place Glory is a new book by a first-time author, Krista Finch. We are enjoying it and the conversations that follow.

We were really touched by the one we read a few days ago. In the chapter called, “Garage Sale Giving”, Krista tells the story of an eight-year-old boy who came up to her at her garage sale and wanted to buy a set of dishes. He gave her $10.00 and lifted the heavy stoneware plates. After she got his change he carried them down the street. Moments later a lady burst from a car shouting, “Can you believe it! He just gave these (dishes) to me for Mother’s Day,” shaking her head in awe. “With his own money he saved up. Can you believe that?”

Here’s how Krista ends that story:

Can you believe it? I asked myself again after the masses made their exodus from my makeshift shop of trinkets. As I packed up the unsold items, I smiled. Openhandedness is an unlikely find, I thought. Especially in a world where acquisition and ambition, self and comfort are the goals. Cheerful and unlimited giving is an unlikely find, except in the heart of a child.

And those who dare to be like them.

I’ve known moments living alongside people who function with great generosity for each other, and I’ve known seasons where the people I’m around are grabbing for themselves whatever the can grab. I much prefer the openhanded crowd and want to live there myself.

Have I got a book of hope for you, especially if you’re going through some very deep waters. It is a collection of poems by a young poet in England dealing with a tragedy in her own life and sorting it out with God in her poetry. Her words are brutally honest, at times playful even in her disappointments, but they are full of life and encouragement. Going through a deep place myself these days I found this book a wonderful encouragement to finding God’s love in the midst of excruciating pain and incomprehensible need?

I met Jenny through a book she sent to me when I was near her home in Suffolk England. In it she had written a personal note: “You don’t know me but I just wanted to say thank you to you. I’ve read So you Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore, listened to the Transition series and sometimes manage to listen to The God Journey podcast. They are great and have set me off on a journey and anew way of thinking. It’s like discovering the truth that was actually already there in your heart, but hadn’t quite realized it yet. Anyway, this is just a small token of my gratitude.”

The book was titled Rainbows In My Eyes and you’ll have to read the poem called “The Rainbow Bird” to understand why, but that one alone is worth getting this anthology for what it says about the Incarnation and death of Jesus. And you can find out more about the book and Jenny on her website, JKRowbory.co.uk

The story behind the poems is as tragic as the poems are triumphant. On the flyleaf of her book I found the following story:

Jenny Rowbory was born in 1986 in Ashford, Middlesex, and currently lives in Suffolk. During her first year at university in 2004, she became ill with a virus that caused severe M.E. (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis: inflammation of the brain and spinal cord). M.E. affects all bodily systems, causing Jenny to be bed-bound and unable to sit up because of strain on her cardiovascular system. This book of poetry was produced as a result of a Pearson project to support a young, chronically ill poet. The proceeds from the sale of this book will go towards her medical costs.

Though deeply touched by her story, I was not prepared for the poetry within. Most books I receive with a tragic back story like this one usually do not contain writing of this caliber or with this depth of insight. I am recommending the book to you, not out of compassion for Jenny’s condition, though I’m deeply touched by her need and now pray for her regularly, but because in her poetry she captures the God I know and the honest place of dealing with suffering in the face of a loving and all-powerful God. She is both playful with God and gut-wrenchingly honest. You’ll find in her words language to help deal with your own challenges and desire to engage the Abba Father.

I am clearly not an authority on poetry. I don’t write it and rarely read it, but this book touched me deeply and has encouraged my own journey. We wanted to make it available in the States and had copies sent here to help save you the postage charge for overseas transport.

If you live in England or outside the U.S., please order directly from Jenny’s website, so that she benefits the most from the sale of her book.

If you live in the United States, you can use the link below to order through Lifestream. The money from sales here will also go to Jenny’s medical treatment.

To give you a taste of some of her poetry, I’ve included three of her shorter ones here

Can’t You Be A Magician, God?
© Copyright 2009 by Jennifer Karen Rowbory – Used by Permission

Can’t you be a magician, God,
if only for one day?
Forget about being wise and good
and do exactly what I say.

Can’t our prayers be spells, God,
if only for one day?
The right words in the right order
and bingo! We’ll have our way.

Make me better now, Lord
please no more delay.
I want to force your hand, Lord,
to make my illness go away.

Held
© Copyright 2009 by Jennifer Karen Rowbory – Used by Permission

Pinned here
I kick and scream
try to punch my way out.
But your arms are too strong.

Pinned here
I sulk and ignore you,
try to freeze you out.
But you are too patient.

Pinned here
I spit and abuse you,
try to provoke you.
But your love is too great.

Pinned here I cry,
break your heart with my pain.
But you will not let me go.

Pinned here,
too exhausted to wrestle any more.
In the stillness I see
I’m in an embrace not a headlock.

Christmas
© Copyright 2009 by Jennifer Karen Rowbory – Used by Permission

You are my treasure,
my pearl beyond price.
I forsake all my riches,
my wealth in heaven,
to come and seek you out.