First a personal note. We had an incredible weekend that first began by meeting with the people who most carry our lives and this work on their hearts. Then we met some new people in the Clovis area who are freshly on this journey of living loved and escaping the legalistic conditioning of their past. Folks came from as far away as Sacramento, the east bay of San Francisco, and Ventura County. I really resonated with the hearts we met with this weekend. Then yesterday we finished up at a community church near here that needed a substitute speaker yesterday. In so many ways this weekend was filled with great joy.
OK, it isn’t really forgotten, but I get so much about He Loves Me and So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore, that it is fun to hear with people connect with Authentic Relationships as well.
This morning someone sent me a link to a new review of Authentic Relationships and I thought some of you might enjoy reading it. To me, this book is the horizontal application of He Loves Me. Knowing we are loved by God allows us to explore relationships with others in new ways. No longer so self-centered on our own needs and coping mechanisms, we can truly begin to love others and watch those relationships grow into wonderful friendships that can last a life time. We tried to describe a process here where real friendship can grow over time, instead of push people to manufactured relationships.
Of course there is a downside to relationships as well. Not all survive. It certainly takes the commitment of two people to have a relationship grow through the pains, misunderstandings, and struggles of real life. This week’s podcast deals with the reality of good relationships going bad. For various reasons not everyone has what it takes to get through the rough days to find that the greatest gifts
This may work well enough most of the time, but then you come across those that are so broken they can only take and take and take trying to feed some need that will never be filled. Especially within churches it seems well meaning people are guilted into trying to be authentic with people who like drowning victims, threaten to take them under. I know of one small group couple that had people parked in their driveway demanding they do more for them, because it was the Christian thing to do. At least in the short term the experience left them burnout and untrusting. I agree we all want and need deeper more authentic relationships, but where is the permission to hold some people at arms length and when is it right to do so?
Doug, I think you have a very valid point.
Doug, I agree! That’s why the book takes people through the growth of a relationship. Authentic relationships happen between people who are becoming whole in Christ. There is not demanding in a healthy relationship, and when people become hurtful and destructive in a relationship it is more than OK to set some healthy boundaries, and even remove yourself from the picture entirely. I think the more we grow on, however, the freer we’ll be able to love “demanding people”, because we realize it comes from their hurt. And when we no longer feel guilt about NOT doing whatever they want us to do, then we’re free to truly love them in hopes that our love might open a door for them to discover HIS! But it is all a very real process! Blessings.
This may work well enough most of the time, but then you come across those that are so broken they can only take and take and take trying to feed some need that will never be filled. Especially within churches it seems well meaning people are guilted into trying to be authentic with people who like drowning victims, threaten to take them under. I know of one small group couple that had people parked in their driveway demanding they do more for them, because it was the Christian thing to do. At least in the short term the experience left them burnout and untrusting. I agree we all want and need deeper more authentic relationships, but where is the permission to hold some people at arms length and when is it right to do so?
Doug, I think you have a very valid point.
Doug, I agree! That’s why the book takes people through the growth of a relationship. Authentic relationships happen between people who are becoming whole in Christ. There is not demanding in a healthy relationship, and when people become hurtful and destructive in a relationship it is more than OK to set some healthy boundaries, and even remove yourself from the picture entirely. I think the more we grow on, however, the freer we’ll be able to love “demanding people”, because we realize it comes from their hurt. And when we no longer feel guilt about NOT doing whatever they want us to do, then we’re free to truly love them in hopes that our love might open a door for them to discover HIS! But it is all a very real process! Blessings.
I am delighted to discover that your book is available here in Adelaide, South Australia at one of our Christian book shops! [Saves that painful postage cost.]
Next trip to town I am getting a copy!!!
Wow !
Another Adelaidean !
Yes it’s a good book Richard. I got it from Koorong years ago…
One point relating to Doug’s post – I’m reading a good book by the guys behind the ‘Boundaries’ books called ‘Changes that Heal’
It’s really helping me to understand who i am in God and to be free to truly choose to love rather than feeling obligated etc…In a lot of my IC days i did alot out of guilt and reacting to neediness – whether it was to other people who put guilt on me – or cos i hadn’t realised the lack of boundaries in my own family and acted out of the lack of inner bonding without being conscious… I also projected this onto God – feeling like i ‘had’ to do things to please Him etc….
I am delighted to discover that your book is available here in Adelaide, South Australia at one of our Christian book shops! [Saves that painful postage cost.]
Next trip to town I am getting a copy!!!
Wow !
Another Adelaidean !
Yes it’s a good book Richard. I got it from Koorong years ago…
One point relating to Doug’s post – I’m reading a good book by the guys behind the ‘Boundaries’ books called ‘Changes that Heal’
It’s really helping me to understand who i am in God and to be free to truly choose to love rather than feeling obligated etc…In a lot of my IC days i did alot out of guilt and reacting to neediness – whether it was to other people who put guilt on me – or cos i hadn’t realised the lack of boundaries in my own family and acted out of the lack of inner bonding without being conscious… I also projected this onto God – feeling like i ‘had’ to do things to please Him etc….
Thanks for the comments good stuff all
Wayne you wrote “Authentic relationships happen between people who are becoming whole in Christ.”
I have been thinking along those and the other lines you mentioned for sometime, but wondering if I was just been hard of heart. My experiences are that you can actually hinder people becoming whole by trying to do the “christian” thing. No wonder Father doesn’t give us everything we think we need. It’s tough to know sometimes though what to do when, especially when it is sometimes the same person who can benefit from some help, but not everything they think they must have.
I noticed that Shaun over on the podcast asked a question about people putting unhealthy expectations on you and dealing with that. Perhaps the issues are related
Thanks again for sharing, it is always good to be able to check your bearings with fellow travelers. Blessings
Thanks for the comments good stuff all
Wayne you wrote “Authentic relationships happen between people who are becoming whole in Christ.”
I have been thinking along those and the other lines you mentioned for sometime, but wondering if I was just been hard of heart. My experiences are that you can actually hinder people becoming whole by trying to do the “christian” thing. No wonder Father doesn’t give us everything we think we need. It’s tough to know sometimes though what to do when, especially when it is sometimes the same person who can benefit from some help, but not everything they think they must have.
I noticed that Shaun over on the podcast asked a question about people putting unhealthy expectations on you and dealing with that. Perhaps the issues are related
Thanks again for sharing, it is always good to be able to check your bearings with fellow travelers. Blessings