There Is A Way to Raise Your Children…

A good friend pointed me to this video over the weekend, by John Lynch one of the authors of Bo’s Cafe, a book I got to help edit with John and the others. I love the way he expresses a different way to raise children than the contest of power most parents get trapped into. This will help you invite your children into their own journey with the Father, rather than trying to impose your journey on them.

I know many parents will get to the end of this and want to scream, “Show me how!” thinking there are a list of how-tos that will accomplish this end. And you would be wrong. There are no how-tos that you can plug into an situation and derive this outcome. This is an invitation into a different reality in which you can think and pray about your children, and in which you can shape your relationship with them.

So catch this in your heart. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you how as life unfolds with your children. This is less about what you do than it is the heart with which you respond to your children and watch God’s purposes grow in your family.

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18 Comments
  1. kent June 13, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Wayne, I don’t know if you had seen the actual post I made where I mentioned the shift Julie had experienced based upon a conversation she had with the girls last week but I wanted to post this that she said as an encouragement to others who might still find themselves in a place of saying…”Show me how”

    Things do take time and Julie and I have been in the thick of it for 5 years now having begun the process of living out of grace with our daughters as opposed to the law/reward/punishment paradigm that defined our first 15 years of parenting. Julie has even at times vocalized that she is just deferring to me in much of this because she was still at times struggling to see how or even if it would work. And even though I have seen her slowly changing along the way, last week was proof that things can change in a moment when our eyes are opened to see..really see the transforming power of it all and the relationships that are formed in the process when control and manipulation are laid aside.

    The day after Julie had shared with me some of the conversation, John posted this video. I asked her to sit and watch it with me. Awhile after watching it she came up to me and said this……”Had you showed me that before yesterday, my response would have more than likely been…we’ll see”

    I guess timing is everything

  2. kent June 13, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    Wayne, I don’t know if you had seen the actual post I made where I mentioned the shift Julie had experienced based upon a conversation she had with the girls last week but I wanted to post this that she said as an encouragement to others who might still find themselves in a place of saying…”Show me how”

    Things do take time and Julie and I have been in the thick of it for 5 years now having begun the process of living out of grace with our daughters as opposed to the law/reward/punishment paradigm that defined our first 15 years of parenting. Julie has even at times vocalized that she is just deferring to me in much of this because she was still at times struggling to see how or even if it would work. And even though I have seen her slowly changing along the way, last week was proof that things can change in a moment when our eyes are opened to see..really see the transforming power of it all and the relationships that are formed in the process when control and manipulation are laid aside.

    The day after Julie had shared with me some of the conversation, John posted this video. I asked her to sit and watch it with me. Awhile after watching it she came up to me and said this……”Had you showed me that before yesterday, my response would have more than likely been…we’ll see”

    I guess timing is everything

  3. Joshua Rogers June 14, 2010 at 7:00 am

    It’s sounds like koombayah hocus pocus, but so does grace, when it falls on deaf ears. I’ll be interested to see what he says after this, but as a new dad, he’s definitely piqued my interest.

  4. Joshua Rogers June 14, 2010 at 10:00 am

    It’s sounds like koombayah hocus pocus, but so does grace, when it falls on deaf ears. I’ll be interested to see what he says after this, but as a new dad, he’s definitely piqued my interest.

  5. Theresa Lode June 14, 2010 at 10:51 am

    The Lord really used our son’s learning differences to help transform our thinking in how we parent. We found out very quickly that things weren’t so cut and dry. The “Break their will without breaking the spirit” was the sort of parenting training advice/training we received only to find out that how this really plays out is: Control, control, control. When a child has a strong personality or for that matter….is breathing….the outcome is not good and relationships suffer.

    As a home educator, I’ve been really stretched to ditch the scope and sequence and to ask myself daily, “What’s important in the education of this child?” Very scary stuff because it means letting go of the control thing again.

    But the longer I walk with the Lord and try to sort out this grace stuff, the more I realize that trying to wield control over my kids is a far scarier place to be.

  6. Theresa Lode June 14, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    The Lord really used our son’s learning differences to help transform our thinking in how we parent. We found out very quickly that things weren’t so cut and dry. The “Break their will without breaking the spirit” was the sort of parenting training advice/training we received only to find out that how this really plays out is: Control, control, control. When a child has a strong personality or for that matter….is breathing….the outcome is not good and relationships suffer.

    As a home educator, I’ve been really stretched to ditch the scope and sequence and to ask myself daily, “What’s important in the education of this child?” Very scary stuff because it means letting go of the control thing again.

    But the longer I walk with the Lord and try to sort out this grace stuff, the more I realize that trying to wield control over my kids is a far scarier place to be.

  7. Joni June 14, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    this one is even better

  8. Joni June 14, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    this one is even better

  9. vjn June 14, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    great story, has anyone noticed it takes a lot more time to get desired results when punishment isn’t involved?

  10. vjn June 15, 2010 at 2:05 am

    great story, has anyone noticed it takes a lot more time to get desired results when punishment isn’t involved?

  11. kent June 15, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    I came to not like the results that punishment delivered. So the speed in which it delivered became irrelevant

  12. kent June 15, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    I came to not like the results that punishment delivered. So the speed in which it delivered became irrelevant

  13. Mountainash June 15, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Excellent, Wayne! Thanks for sharing.

    I’m part of a forum for mothers who parent from a grace-filled paradigm. It’s called Gentle Christian Mothers and is one of the neatest communities of believers I’ve ever had the joy of being part of. I encourage those who need more “show me how” to check it out. We talk about playful parenting, setting healthy boundaries, showing ourselves grace, building connections with our children, and knowing what is developmentally appropriate at various ages. Just last weekend I had the opportunity to meet several of these mothers in person and while the various personalities of their children are quite different, they are very “True-faced” little people with very big hearts!

    Go check ’em out, Ladies!

    http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community

    Theresa who posted above has an excellent blog for parents of children with ADHD or parents who struggle with ADHD themselves (like me). I find her quite encouraging.

  14. Mountainash June 15, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    Excellent, Wayne! Thanks for sharing.

    I’m part of a forum for mothers who parent from a grace-filled paradigm. It’s called Gentle Christian Mothers and is one of the neatest communities of believers I’ve ever had the joy of being part of. I encourage those who need more “show me how” to check it out. We talk about playful parenting, setting healthy boundaries, showing ourselves grace, building connections with our children, and knowing what is developmentally appropriate at various ages. Just last weekend I had the opportunity to meet several of these mothers in person and while the various personalities of their children are quite different, they are very “True-faced” little people with very big hearts!

    Go check ’em out, Ladies!

    http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community

    Theresa who posted above has an excellent blog for parents of children with ADHD or parents who struggle with ADHD themselves (like me). I find her quite encouraging.

  15. Nancy June 16, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Yes this resonates. It also cause me to feel great and intense grief, knowing my children did not get this kind of upbringing, and knowing that our relationships are not very good yet. My sons are grown and gone, still in touch but on their own. God have mercy. How comforting to know that Father has known them always and loves them more and can heal all their hurts, just as he is healing mine. 🙂 He is so good to me!

    But this video was hard for me to watch, despite the man’s obvious graciousness.

  16. Nancy June 16, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    Yes this resonates. It also cause me to feel great and intense grief, knowing my children did not get this kind of upbringing, and knowing that our relationships are not very good yet. My sons are grown and gone, still in touch but on their own. God have mercy. How comforting to know that Father has known them always and loves them more and can heal all their hurts, just as he is healing mine. 🙂 He is so good to me!

    But this video was hard for me to watch, despite the man’s obvious graciousness.

  17. Gigi July 29, 2010 at 2:44 am

    Great Video Wayne and John, it’s taken me 55 years to finally begin to realize the joy of wooing and being woo’d, which is the most delightful, direct and simple description I can think of for that mystery called Grace. And God is the Master – He invented the whole thing! God has spent all of human history wooing us, and yet perhaps our impatience is one of our greatest sins – for the smallest inopportune word, look, or action often has such deep and far-reaching effects on the human heart. This video so clearly expresses the most difficult and mind-boggling thing about human life that God already knows and as a wise man has said “The next person you meet is not a problem to be solved, but an infinite mystery to be explored (Adyashanti)”. Yes, even the kids are unfathomable mysteries. Yes, even our partners and….ourselves. Yes, each of us everyone is a twinkle in God’s eye. Each is a diamond in His pocket. Oh, for the compassion of Christ that I could know that truth as surely as I breathe, that I could live my relationships out wooing in every moment, and never for a moment forget – what an adventure this life would be!

  18. Gigi July 29, 2010 at 5:44 am

    Great Video Wayne and John, it’s taken me 55 years to finally begin to realize the joy of wooing and being woo’d, which is the most delightful, direct and simple description I can think of for that mystery called Grace. And God is the Master – He invented the whole thing! God has spent all of human history wooing us, and yet perhaps our impatience is one of our greatest sins – for the smallest inopportune word, look, or action often has such deep and far-reaching effects on the human heart. This video so clearly expresses the most difficult and mind-boggling thing about human life that God already knows and as a wise man has said “The next person you meet is not a problem to be solved, but an infinite mystery to be explored (Adyashanti)”. Yes, even the kids are unfathomable mysteries. Yes, even our partners and….ourselves. Yes, each of us everyone is a twinkle in God’s eye. Each is a diamond in His pocket. Oh, for the compassion of Christ that I could know that truth as surely as I breathe, that I could live my relationships out wooing in every moment, and never for a moment forget – what an adventure this life would be!

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