What I Have Learned About Friendships
For those who follow this page and The God Journey, we’re having quite a bit of discussion about relationships and community. Learning to live in the love of the Father, and then out of that love to others opens the door for the kinds of relationships that we crave and that God designed us for. But these kind of friendships don’t happen quickly and can’t be manufactured by human engineering. They are deeply rooted in a heart God is healing and allows us to engage others with freedom and joy.
I wrote this over a year ago and found it in an old file today. Here are some things I have learned about relationships over the course of my life:
Friendships that are filled with love, grace, and shared wisdom are the best treasures we’re given in this life—those that are filled with laughter, that speak truth graciously, and that serve each other generously. They will last a lifetime and are more valuable than gold.
If you value any thing more than your friends, your friendships won’t last. Bet on it.
It takes two people and a significant amount of love, grace and time to build a friendship in which the glory of God can be revealed. It only takes one of those people and a careless act of betrayal to destroy it.
Failure alone won’t end a friendship. Abandonment will.
No matter how broken a relationship is, it can always be reconciled if both people are willing to invest the time and effort to own each other’s story. But the process demands a healthy dose of honesty, tenderness, and openness to see things as they are, not how we want them to be.
Real relationships are not about just being nice. There is no relationship without authenticity and truth. Light and love travel together, as painful as that might be at times. But that’s a glorious mix.
Learn the wonder and power of forgiveness so that other people’s failures don’t become your issues.
Too many people want a relationship only for what they can get out of it, and will not always be there to help others when the friendship asks something of them.
Your coping mechanisms might have saved you in trauma when you were younger, but they will subvert healthy friendships now. That’s why wholeness is worth fighting instead of simply passing your pain on to others.
If someone is making accusations about another’s motives to you, you can bet that they are also doing it about you to someone else.
When the conversation shifts from how we share together what God gives, to demanding for ourselves that which we think we deserve, that friendship has been sacrificed on the altar of selfish ambition and vain conceit. It’s a really bad trade.
Those who give up on a friendship, had to never know the joy of that friendship to begin with.
Most people are users, pretending a friendship to benefit themselves. But users won’t change without being loved, even if it takes a number of discarded friendships for them to learn that. Love them anyway, just do it with your eyes open!
When accusations enter a friendship before the person ever sits down to discuss his or her concerns, you can be sure that gossip has had its course and the accusations will be distortions at best, or outright lies at worst.
It’s easy to stab a friend in the back, because they are trusting you not to. Betrayal is an act of cowardice.
When people give up on a friendship without even a meaningful conversation where they seek to hear as much as be heard, you can be pretty sure it was always a one-sided relationship to begin with.
To live inside of lies you have to block out any voice that challenges your thinking. When you live in the truth you need no such protection.
My dad taught me that my word is my bond. If you say it you do it. If you cease to respect your own word, you’ll gather no respect from others. And don’t confuse someone’s love with their respect. They are two separate realities. You can love someone you don’t respect, but the great friendships are filled with both.
Proverbs says that telling lies about someone is an act of hatred, no matter what excuse you give yourself.
Those you love the most, can hurt you the deepest. Keep loving anyway!
The best counsel I know for the kind of deep friendships that spawn true community come from Paul’s words in Philippians 2:1-4- “Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” No man or woman can live that way by their own efforts. It takes a rich and real relationship with Jesus to be transformed enough by him to have the freedom to live like that.


Despite assurances that we were going to launch our new website this past weekend, I have now been notified by the development team that it will be delayed at least a week due to a catastrophic server failure that resulted in a loss of two weeks worth of work. I’m embarrassed and frustrated that we haven’t been able to deliver to you what was promised to me. Our original date was January 1. That got pushed back to February 1, and now we’re being pushed back even further.
Sometime this weekend, the new Lifestream.org site will launch. It has been in the works for over six months. Most of why we had to redesigned this site has to do with some back-end realities that you’ll never see that will help us streamline many of the things we do on that site. But that gave us a chance to update the look of the site and reconfigure it to be far more user-friendly with the current content we have. With our new back-end features, we will in time be able to help people connect with other folks who resonate with Lifestream content in their own area, but it will still take some time to configure that, and it will only be for those who opt-in to use it.

Every day I get new books, manuscripts, DVDs, CDs, and web links from all over the world, many by people I don’t know all of them asking if I’ll help them get a book published, review their work on my blog, or at least post a link somewhere. Unfortunately I get way more of this stuff sent to me than I can possibly process. t try to at least steal a glance at each one to see if there is anything Father is wanting me to do with them, but even that has grown so overwhelming that I can’t do justice to any of them.
One moment, she was a healthy student beginning life at the university with plans to study medicine. In the next, she’s completely bed-ridden have been struck down with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (M.E.), which means inflammation of the brain and spinal cord. The only way she can write is via her iPod Touch, a couple of sentences per day.
Can’t You Be A Magician, God?
In a conversation almost twenty years ago, someone asked me how I thought the church should function. At the time I was still enjoying how much the Father’s love was reshaping my relationship with him and with others. I remember responding, “The church? Honestly that’s not my priority right now. I’m still exploring what it means to live loved and may not even get back to the church for another ten years.”
A friend in Japan sent me this image today and I found it quite compelling. It illustrates the art of kintsukuroi, which literally means “to repair with gold.” It is the art of repairing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer to make the final piece a greater work of art for having been broken.
Sara and I have just finished Dr. Brené Brown’s latest book,
I’m blessed and amazed at how much of my writings have been translated into other languages. Of course some of that has been by publishers who want to sell my books, but the vast majority of it has been done by volunteers who have given their time to translate book or articles so that people in their language group could have access to them. Over the last couple of months we’ve added a lot more of our translated versions of our Living Loved articles on our
And on a personal note, Sara and I want to pass along our Christmas blessings to all of you–that you would know the warmth, peace, and joy of his presence this season and into the new year. We are so blessed by all the people God has connected us to around the world and are warmed by the incredible Christmas greetings we have received from so many of you. Please know that you hold a special place in our hearts and we pray God will continue to draw you ever-closer to his heart and set you ever-more free in his life. Merry Christmas.