Loving Those We’ve Been Taught to Judge

When I was writing IT’S TIME, a few people asked if I would include a chapter about LGBTQ people.

I held that in my heart as I worked through that book, but it never seemed to find a place there. It just wasn’t what that book was meant to be. However, I do have this conversation a lot with people, and have hesitated to post here, knowing how easily people get offended over this topic.

Then, I received this email last week:

My wife and I have an adult grandson who is having a relationship with a “trans” person. As a younger person, he grew up in a Christian home, but he has left the faith. We love him and need guidance on how to deal with a delicate relationship. We want to meet with him and his friend early in 2026. We pray for him regularly.

I’m going to post my response here, as it may answer some questions for others:

You’ve been given a great gift—someone to love whose lifestyle you question. Now, you’ll never be able to see this as just a political or religious issue again without cutting off someone you deeply care about. However you walk through this experience, it will change you—hopefully for the better.

I’m glad you love him and pray for him. That’s a great start. So, I guess your question is, how do you engage them?

My first question would be, why do you want to meet with him?  If it’s to confront the ’sin’ of their relationship, that wouldn’t be my approach. He would already anticipate that, since I’m sure he knows what you believe. What he wouldn’t expect is your love being expressed to him in kindness, and you taking an interest in his friend, and what connects them.

One of the reasons we struggle here is by considering someone’s gender identity or sexual orientation to be the sole factor of their identity.  I don’t.  At most, I see it as about 10% of who they are. Beyond that, they are people with hopes, dreams, fears, interests, and needs that merit our understanding, kindness, and compassion, just as we would offer anyone else.

Unfortunately, as evangelical Christians, we have been taught to judge people like them, and regard their life as a threat, which is horribly misplaced! “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is still the mission and it didn’t come with exclusions. If you were him, her, or they, how would you want to be treated?  There’s your guidance.

Or to look at it differently, what if his friend were not a trans person? What if their relationship was more “normal” from your perspective?  That’s how you want to be with them. It is not for you to decide what is wrong with them and how they must fix it. If there’s any convicting to be done, entrust that to the Holy Spirit (John 16), who is so much better at it than we could ever be.

You’re free to love them both as you would any other two people. Take an interest in their story and their relationship. Loving them where they are does not condone anything, and it offers them the best possible environment for whatever God might want to reveal to them.

Or, so I am convinced.

So, how do you engage them?  Just love, which doesn’t mean you can’t be honest about your convictions when they ask. Just remember, “To a Pharisee, truth is more important than love; to the follower of Christ, love is the most important part of truth.” If you don’t get the loving right, you’ll have no basis to express the truth.

People who don’t understand the power and presence of God’s love often mock love and grace as a weak response. I did too, once, seeing it only as an emotion of niceness. Having tasted the transforming power of God’s love over the last three decades, however, I know there is nothing more powerful. (See Chapter 10 of He Loves Me.)

That’s why Jesus loved people lost in the darkness. Nothing opens a wider door to what God wants to do in people. When you let his love replace your fear of others, you’ll see them in a different light.

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